Is Multiculturalism Real?

I think I have ranted on this subject before.  My son doesn't get playdates.

We were wondering if it was him.  Was he so unliked by either peers or parents that they swore to never let their children play with him.  But he was getting invited to the odd birthday party and we noticed that some GIRLS were more than happy to come to our house after school or invite him to theirs.

But no boys.

Not in preschool, kindergarten, Grade one or Grade two.

Birthday Parties were so so in attendance.  Usually though more girls than boys.  If we stuck to class friends only.

So needless to say we approached THIS birthday with a bit of trepidation.  The husband was dead against spending the big bugs on some THEME location for the kids.  He just felt that our money would be better spent on our boy and not the boys friends.

I was not so sure.  I knew he really wanted the social aspect of a birthday party.  He is so hurt when nobody invites him over to their homes or comes to his....not when he sees Caity flitting weekly between her kindergarten cronies.

I decided to then keep it casual.  If a playdate he wanted...a playdate he could have.  School finishes at noon on Fridays and guess what...his birthday fell on a Friday this year.  So I wrote up 6 little invites for him to hand out stating they were invited to a birthday PLAYDATE for after school fun and I that I could get the kids home at whatever time worked for the parents.

He carefully invited 3 boys and 3 girls.  The 3 boys he considers his buddies and the 3 girls that are "JUST FRIENDS, MOM!'

Things were already awkward as the week before a dad of one of these girls had said 'See you at C's party' and we had to say that no, your daughter didn't invite the boy she professes to be her best male friend.

UNCOMFORTABLE!

He was hurriedly invited and all was well.  Remind the parents about the playdate for Adam the following Friday and thought all was good.

Adam then confirmed attendance of the girls and the boys were 'asking.'  I then tried to call two of the boys who I know Adam really likes.  The one boy I just got the answering machine, and then told Adam he was too lazy to bother and would rather stay in daycare for the afternoon.    The other parent hummed and hawed about the difficulty of it all...the live behind us and we offered to drop him off back home....I ended up hanging up during all the humming and emmming.

This boys family is from Sri Lanka.   They don't do non family parties or playdates.   He is walked home by an older sister...we never see the parents.

The other boy is Asian and I believe he and his brother are cared for by an elderly relative who does not speak English.  I have met their parents and they seem nice..but very insular.

The other boy too said no and again, I am not clear on how well his family speaks English.

And this is what I have found as an issue time and time again here in East Vancouver.   The cultures and races don't mix.   The kids do at school....but that is it.  3pm rolls around and the doors of each 'world' shut tightly against the multitude of races, cultures and religions that fill this city.

It is certainly not just a cultural or language issues either.   It is circumstance.   In this expensive world, stay at home moms like me are a rarity.  Most families have both parents working.  Childcare is either a family member or at a daycare.  Every playdate that Caity has gone to the kids house it has been under the care of an Aunt or Grandparents and often people who don't speak English and really are not capable of handling a house of young kids!

(Don't get me started on the amount of kids being picked up in extended family member cars with no car seats!)

We talk a lot about how great it is to have exciting and vibrant Asian, South Asian, Vietnamese, etc neighbourhoods in Vancouver...but not when that is where the people stick to for shopping, socializing and business.  

I get that people feel comfort in numbers and 'their own' and so on.  I emigrated here too.  It was scary...and I spoke the language!

But I really feel that my son is getting short shrift when it comes to the friendship purely by the circumstance of the makeup of his class.

Oh and to make matters worse for his birthday.....all the girls bailed one by one as they banded together and decided a boy wasn't worth their time.  

ONE mom of one of the girls was mortified and has promised to take Adam out to a show.

Nice birthday when nobody wants to come and it isn't the kids fault.

Suffice it to say....I felt that I totally failed my kid in trying to communicate with the families of his so called friends.

Even the friends clammed up when I asked if they liked Adam and wanted to hang with him.

I don't think - at least while we live around here - that we will bother trying again.

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Original Canada Moms Blog post.  Kerry can be found writing about  life and her kids at Crunchy Carpets. She also runs the  community site for women bloggers on the west coast,  Wet Coast Women.