The Mom Worry

I often wonder if I will have another child, and the truth is, I don't think I will.

There are many reasons why I say this: I feel complete as a family of four, our house fits us well as a family of four, I'm almost out of the diaper stage, I'm extremely tired, and I can't imagine doing age 1 to 2 again. My boys are the sunshine of my life, and they make me happy. The things they do everyday fill my heart with so much happiness, I feel like I can't take anymore. They're my everything. They make me laugh like I've never laughed before.

But. There is one reason above all else that make me think I'm not going to have another child.

The worry.

The mom worry is never-ending. It begins when you're first pregnant. You might think, innocently enough, like I did, that the worry will go away once you're safely out of the first trimester, but no. It doesn't go away, not ever.

For someone like me, who is a hypochondriac, it's tough. It's tough when my children are sick with colds and fevers and sore throats and ear infections and stomach flus. I can't handle seeing them sick. When they have a coughing fit in the middle of the night, I listen, biting my nails, overcome with worry. I get sick with worry myself, and I can barely carry a normal conversation with others. It puts a huge strain on my marriage, too. My mind is not at peace until I know my children are well again. Being a mother has aged me. And for some reason, every time my children are sick, it doesn't get any easier for me. The worry is always the same. Like when I fly. No matter how many times I've been on an airplane - too many times to count - the fear I feel is the same.I feel hopeless.

Last year, my oldest son was in the children's hospital for two weeks with a bad case of pneumonia. His pneumonia was so severe that he needed surgery in his lung to drain the fluid, and a chest tube for 4 days. Of course, he was on an oxygen mask and morphine for the pain. This experience changed me, and made me even more worried. Even though now he is completely recovered, I worry every time he coughs, every time he has a runny nose. Living through an experience like that with my child did not make me a stronger person, like so many people claim. I am more weak, more vulnerable than before.

I wish I was one of those moms who handle things like the common cold with ease, with common sense. Unfortunately, I don't see an end in sight for me and my mom worry. Will I worry less when they are older? When they are old enough to hop on their bikes, and go to the park with their friends, without me there? No. I know I'll worry just as much then. What will prevent me from following my child to the park to make sure he is okay? When my children are old enough to drive, will I ever fall asleep before they come home from a night out? No. Of course, no. When my children are old enough to move out (sob, sob) and they don't move in next door to me like I wish they would, will I worry less? No. This is a life-time sentence, this worry I have for my children. And it's never going away.

What is the cure? Is there such a thing as a cure for this mom worry? Or is it naturally part of the territory?

Do other moms worry less - and if so - what is their secret? How can you silence the worry that is always there, scratching the surface? I want to to worry less, I want to be a stronger person for my family. I want to suck in all the wonderful parts of being a parent, truly live in the moment all the time, and just sit back and enjoy my children as they are growing up so quickly. Too quickly. Each stage is more wonderful than the stage before, and I love watching my children grow. But I know the worry is not going away. And that is something I have a hard time accepting. I wish I could silence the worry, I wish there was a 'turn-off button', I wish therapy could help.

In the meantime, I'll worry. I'll worry, but I'll love completely, too. And I will enjoy all the moments that go along with worrying because that is what makes life worth living.

This is an original Canada Moms Blog Post.

Loukia blogs at Loulou's Views about her adventures as a mom to two little boys. She lives on 4 hours of broken sleep a night, and she also works full-time for the Federal Government in Communications.