Photographic Legacies

I have always liked photographs.  I have many albums and boxes of photos and negatives (old skool) stuffed under the bed.  My mom too.  She has slowly been sorting through a HUGE box of old photos and uses that as her basis for her genealogy research. 

Yes, I should be more crafty and scrap bookey and have it all organized....but I don't.  Well, I haven't for a long time.

The digital age made even more of a mess of my 'organizing of history.'  The birth and early life of Adam is on one hard drive (husbands) and Caitlyn's and Tara's are on mine. SOME photos are sorted by year, etc..others are not yet there.  And NONE are backed up.  YIPES.

The pattern in our family photography weaves a story all on its own. There are scads of photos of my mom when she was young. Before her mom came down with Tuberculosis. Before she was sent back to live in Scotland.  When she was surrounded by happy little family.

There are scads of photos of my mom and her friends in their teen years. They were all having fun. Living life and not really thinking about the "big picture" yet.

There are scads of photos of my mom and dad when they were dating. There are scads of photos of me as a baby.

There are not so many photos when I was a child.

Photography ground to a halt when things were sucking in my family. When my dad was drinking more and more.  When we lost our home. When we were homeless.

Not so many 'fun' occasions then to commemorate on paper.

When mom and I came to Canada, we took up the mantle of photography again.  Recording all and sundry fun and games.   

Both our photos embody the optimism we shared.  The hope for our new life in a new country.

The photos seem to wax and wane with our enthusiasm for life.  

My husband's joy in life is shown when he used up our FIRST digital camera on the first years of our boy. There are bajillions of photos of our son.  Entire studies of facial expressions.   Every nuance recorded.   Gigabytes of memory dedicated to this one child.

Then his dad got sick and died.  

The enthusiasm for photographing our boy faded during that painful time.

I took up the mantle almost as a duty then.  Not that taking pictures of our crazy boy was hard..but there was a shadow hanging over the spontaneous snapping of pics then.  For a while.

When Caitlyn was born his enthusiasm for photos and his daughter was there for a bit, then the photographer part faded mostly into the history once more.

Then his mom got sick and died.

I don't think he has touched a camera since then.

There was a brief fling with a video camera...but that poor thing is gathering dust in a box in my desk.

Losing our little baby back in '07 exacerbated the feelings of loss vs. the feelings of life and joy for him. Anger and guilt hung over his head, marring the thrills he got from his children and his own life. I felt his pain but could not do much to help him. 

I kept taking pictures.

As the birth of our third child drew closer, he showed new interest in recording our lives and purchased for us a new fancy digital camera.

But, apart from the actual arrival of Tara, it has again been mostly me taking the photographs.

This hasn't really bothered me much over the years.   It only saddened me recently, when I realized that this Christmas season had mostly gone by with nary a picture of me.

And while the vain part of me who hates the chins and the gut and so on is quite happy with that....I also realized that if these photographs (no matter how temporary digital can be) are supposed to mark down our history...for the family at least.....for our family...I won't really exist in a photographic sense.   

There is very little photographic evidence to record what I was doing or looking like or how I was interacting with the children or my husband or friends or my mom.

There is mostly just memory.

Though I will admit that this is almost as true with my husband..as he is in very few photographs also.

What you do get from the photos that I take and my mom too..as she takes LOADS of pictures of the kids...is that the children seemed to be happy. They are having fun and that we adults take a great deal of pleasure in recording their joy.  Mostly for our own selfish reasons.   

I love looking at the photos of my children. At all ages. It reconfirms in me my devotion to them. My joy in their existence.    

And I also believe that my husband feels this way too.

For while he may not spend as much time sorting and editing and of course, taking the photos.  He does enjoy LOOKING at them.   

And that is okay. Though I have asked that perhaps for 2010 he could pick up the camera and try to get the odd snap of me..as long as I have make up on, and no chins showing!!!

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Original Canada Moms Blog post, Kerry also writes about her life,  and her kids at Crunchy Carpets. She also posts at Wet Coast Women.