Breathe In, Breathe Out: Yoga for Moms

I can't remember the last time I went to yoga class. I think it was over a month ago. It was a good morning. I left one kid with my mom, and the other was in nursery school. I schlepped downtown reluctantly, turning the car around to go home at least twice. But, I finally did make it to yoga class, half crying.

Why was I THAT reluctant to go? Why was I half crying? I was half crying because, I'm embarrassed to say, I would have SO preferred to sit on my arse and tweet with my internet pals, research new diet plans (an unfortunate pastime of mine) and just play on my macbook. I wanted to get work done so I wouldn't have to stay up until 2am answering emails, again. I wanted to read my novel, cuddle my cats, watch MTV, or even to peruse the giant bookstore (another favourite pastime) possibly for new diet books, WHILE sipping the bane of my existence -- a soy chai latte (DON'T try it). Sigh.

I wanted to do anything BUT actively work on myself. Going to yoga meant I'd have to BE with myself, sit with myself and be forced to take a good hard look at what's REALLY going on, instead of escaping into work, into dreams of some ideal me, into a novel, or a yummy gourmet beverage.

And, yet, when I finally got to yoga that day, I LOVED it. I remember looking around the room, finding the perfect spot, taking off my sunglasses and putting them on the window sill with my purse. I remember rolling out my mat, dusting it off with my bare feet, inhaling its environmentally-friendly rubber aroma and, finally, lying down on my back.

“Reeeeee laaaaax,” I thought to myself, as I breathed in and out with great difficulty -- more reluctance. My teacher eventually started talking about what we were going to explore that day, and soon I felt the hair follicles on my scalp loosen their tight grip. I felt my shoulders begin to let go and sink into the ground. I felt my belly soften and my breath begin to flow with ease.... My heart began to quieten. My brainwaves to slow and soften to a gentle ripple.

When we started practicing the pranayama, or breathing exercises, and asanas, or poses, I began to laugh, and joke -- perhaps a little too much, but it was what I needed.

The class ended after an hour and forty five minutes, and I left elated and buzzing with joy and energy. "I can't believe I haven't been here for so long!" I exclaimed to my teacher, "I'll definitely see you next week." Well, of course next week arrived, and I didn't go. And I didn't go the week after. Or the week after that. Or the week after that. I meant to go today, but I turned the car around when I was halfway there. Alas, it's true.

Why does it take so much for me to do something healthy for myself? If one class of yoga can do so much good for me, imagine what weekly classes can do?

These days, my experience of motherhood is marked too much by fear and anxiety. I totally blame the media for this, and also "studies." The weight of motherhood is sometimes just too heavy to bear day in and day out. Unhealthy habits have been a source of comfort for me in my uncertain role as a mother. I've become dependent on that morning CHAI to give me a sense of continuity and routine and certainty in a sea of unknowns, even as it makes my heart pound and my anxiety worse.

As moms we grow accustomed to being outside of ourselves -- attending to others, often instead of ourselves. Yoga brings us back to ourselves; it teaches us the WAY back to ourselves.

And, so I've been afraid because I don't know what I'm going to find or feel when I just sit there...with myself. And the way back is misty and murky and unknown -- because it's been so long. I've been outside myself tending exclusively to my two very young children for so long.

But it's time. I need yoga. Moms need yoga, or at least some activities that bring us back instead of away from ourselves -- that DON'T involve hot sweet sugary goodness in a cup.

So, it's settled, I'm meeting myself in yoga class weekly -- even if there are tears. I'm going to take care of my kids AND myself. I'm going to feel GOOD again. To think?

See you there?

This is an original post for Canada Mom Blogs. You can find Haley-O at her personal blog CheatyMonkey.com and on twitter as @Cheaty.