Not On The Guest List

This past summer, my two daughters were flower girls at my brother-in-law’s wedding. Adorable and excited, they danced the night away with their equally excited and adorable cousins, plus a whole host of other children under 10. The children offered a wonderful contrast to the evening – an energy to the elegance; a realness to the ritual, and overall, an increase to the joy and smiles and fun and celebration. They were welcomed and well behaved, and we so appreciated our family and friends including our kids in their good time that evening.

But if they, and the other children, hadn’t been invited?

Well, that would have been ok, too.

Last week, a friend of mine became very upset upon realizing that her 16-month old daughter was not, in fact, invited to her cousin’s wedding – something that my friend had whole-heartedly assumed since receiving the invitation months earlier. She was utterly astounded that her child – as valid a member of the family as any other – was not welcome; that, in fact, no children were.

I asked who the envelope was addressed to, and while my friend couldn’t recall, she also didn’t see why that would make any difference. It makes a difference, one that the inviter as well as the invitee must be aware of.

An invitation addressed to you and your partner means that you and your partner are invited. If your children are invited, the envelope will include their names, or a designation such as ‘And Family,’ or your family will be addressed as a unit – The Karengreeners Family.

I tried to explain this to my friend, who had no idea of the importance in the differences. Still, she said, why wouldn’t her child be invited?

That one is also easy to answer: because you can invite whomever the hell you want to your own party.

Again, I tried to help my friend see beyond her agitation. What if the hosts had 50 children in their circle, and couldn’t afford 50 extra guests? What if inviting one close cousin’s child but not the other children would incite bad feelings among others? What if the hosts simply did not want children at their wedding? Children can be loud, rambunctious and distracting. They can also upstage a bride if they are as cute as mine (and yours) are. No bride is obligated to play second-fiddle to a toddler bouncing around the dance floor to Single Ladies.

Each of these possibilities was completely valid, and should have alleviated my friend’s hurt feelings, but still, she couldn’t see past the perceived slight. I asked her how many kids she had wanted at her wedding. I know how many I had wanted at mine – zero. Except for my one and only gorgeous niece/flower girl. But that was it.

Still, my friend remained upset. She lamented that many members of her extended family had not yet met her daughter, and that now the opportunity would pass them by. I assured her that her 16-month old could care less about meeting her great-aunt Ruth or second-cousin-once-removed, Artie. Because I am tactless, I wondered out loud if she was simply being a bit selfish – if her expectation to show off her tow-headed moppet in a ridiculously adorable frock had been quashed, and if that was what she was actually upset about.

It was the principal, my friend insisted; it was the fact that a member of the family was being deliberately left out of a family event. It was the fact that, logistically, the wedding was so close that she would have a hard time making other plans for the care of her daughter that night. It was the fact that she asked if she could bring her daughter anyway, and her request had been rejected.

I tried to see my friend’s point – at least, I certainly felt for her in terms of having to scramble to find adequate care for her daughter with only a few days to plan, and I understood her disappointment upon realizing that her family would not get to see her daughter. I tried to understand, and so I offered what I hoped was a more pragmatic, helpful solution:

Stay home.

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This is an original post for Canada Moms Blog. Karen also writes at The Kids Are Alright.