You Say WAHM, I Say WOHM -- Let's Call the Whole Thing Off!
I'm not one to get involved in internet drama. For the most part, I like to stay away from controversy, especially at Canada Moms Blog -- ahem. But the current debate swirling around the momosphere has me ready to pop with so much to say.
The most recent debate, it seems, all started with the Momversation video, "Are You a Stressed Working Mom?" As various well-respected Work-At-Office Mom (WOHM) bloggers -- such as Kim (MissZoot) and Canada Moms Blog's very own Samantha -- argued in their blogs, this video hurtfully missed the mark by focusing on freelance-writing Work-At-Home Moms (WAHMs) and neglecting to represent the WOHMs and all their unique challenges and sacrifices. In their blog posts and readers' comments, a Who-Has-It-Harder debate ensued, which involved a lot of angry words directed at the video, the bloggers themselves, their commenters, and at WAHMs, WOHMs, and Stay-At-Home Moms (SAHMs), in general. Pro-WAHM posts began to spring up in retort, as well -- most notably, Lindsay Ferrier's, as well as Canada Moms blogger Sherry Osborne's.
Now that we're all caught up, I'll tell you where I stand on the subject. As far as I'm concerned (and, really this is not an original opinion, as much as I'm building it up to be) these WAHM, WOHM, SAHM categories themselves are the problem. These mom-made categories, as valid as they are in the sense that they do represent real feelings and challenges, aren't doing us any favours. Indeed, as this blog debate has demonstrated, they are seriously damaging to the mom community.
Forgive me, I have to get philosophical here. And, double forgive me -- my philosophy books are in boxes in the garage, and I'm positively exhausted due to (a) work deadlines and (b) an hysterical toddler waking me up at 4am every morning for the past 2 weeks. Yes, I'm a little rusty and tired. BUT, I'll just go for it anyway and ask thee: please correct me if I'm wrong (be gentle), but wouldn't some of our favourite feminist philosophers argue that the very act of categorizing identity is a power-centred patriarchal way of thinking? And wouldn't the great Michel Foucault, in particular, call us out for creating these categories in the first place -- these "structures of power" that inevitably legitimize some and, in the process, cast some into the dark abyss of "otherness"? Yes, I think so!
What we really need, as feminist/queer philosopher Judith Butler might remind us, is to quash these categories of identity that, as the current WAHM-WOHM blog debate demonstrates, are indeed alienating and delegitimizing members of the mom community. WOHMs, we see, are defining themselves by delegitimizing WAHMs, and vice versa. And what about those moms who don't fit into this WAHM-WOHM-SAHM triumvirate -- which is implicitly dictating the so-called "norms" of mom society? Where are their voices? Do we have a category for Single-Stay-At-Home Moms (SSAHM)? "Minority"-Work-At-Home Moms (MWAHM)? Lesbian-Work-At-Office Moms (LWAOM)? All of which, and more, come with their own set of challenges that remain unrepresented in the broader SAHM, WAHM, WOHM categories. Many of which come with their own set of mom judgments and, indeed, societal stigma.
To be sure, as someone who works at home and at the office -- who even quit blogging for a few weeks recently to taste full-on the life of a SAHM -- I have my own personal experience with the negative implications of all this categorizing. Am I a WAHM or a WOHM? Would a WAHM or a SAHM judge me for leaving the kids with the nanny four mornings a week so I can go to the office? (Some do.) Would WOHMs take issue with me even CALLING myself a WOHM if I get to choose my own office hours and still get to take my kids to the park or to programs some days? (Some do.)
Truth is, TODAY, RIGHT NOW, I am worn out to the max working a full-time job, running a company, AND mothering young children most of the day every day. As a WAHM, I want to rip my hair out at the end of the day trying to please EVERYONE in my life. But, again, will "real" WAHMs sympathize with me if I have an office at my disposal and a part-time nanny who does my laundry? Will "real" WOHMs sympathize with me if I come home from the office some days regretting that I don't know what my children had for lunch, if they FOR SURE wore sunscreen or tried something new at the park?
I don't fit into any of these categories. I'm like the strange girl with the frizzy hair, glasses, braces and (why not) acne and a low self-esteem standing by herself at the high-school dance. And, yet, I fit into both categories -- as a very old man remarked about my bathing suit, on a beach in St. Martin years ago -- "like a glove."
In the end, and as I've been saying, all this categorizing doesn't do us any favours. As you can see in the unfortunate comments on the recent WAHM-vs-WOHM blog posts, this categorizing is tearing us apart.
This community of moms (within and beyond the momosphere) NEEDS to be integrative, supportive and encouraging of all difference -- from how we manage our careers, to the schools we choose, the foods we feed our children, the caregivers or programs we choose, our sexual orientation, our marital status, our race or religion, our children's progress, special needs, economic status, etc....
In constantly trying to define ourselves AGAINST each other, we are creating major fissures in our community -- when so much anger, blame and finger-pointing is already occurring all around us. MOMS, always to blame. MOMS, so catty. MOMS, the hot topic. Never mind BLAME CANADA -- it's BLAME MOM. We all know this.
This whole mom gig is HARD. Bottom line. And a lucky few will tell me "NO IT'S NOT HARD" -- and some will tell me "SHUT UP AND TALK TO SOMEONE WITH REAL PROBLEMS." So (rephrase), for many of us moms, motherhood is hard, with all it's expectations, societal pressures, emotional and physical weight, endless responsibilities. And we NEED, once and for all, to stop FIGHTING about our differences -- as hard as that is given the nature of the human mind and the very structure of language and representation (one of difference and differentiation -- ahh, Le Jacques Derrida...!).
That said, I have to applaud all these bloggers -- these wonderful writers -- who put themselves out there, took sides, and engaged in the debate in their blogs, tweets, and beyond, at the risk of "losing readers." Because it's precisely this kind of conversation that incites us to look beyond the boundaries. It's only when we recognize our differences that we can embrace, celebrate, learn from them, and begin truly to support one another.
This is an Original Post for Canada Moms Blog. Instead of sleeping, eating or shaving her legs, Haley-O blogs at Cheaty Monkey, tweets hard, freelance writes, attempts to philosophize (her true love), sells art at her company Kids Deserve Art: Art and Decor for Kids of All Ages, and works at home or office for bTrendie.
