Boys Will Be Boys
I hate that term.
I especially hate that term when it is used to excuse otherwise inexcusable behaviors.
Ahem. My boy turned seven today.
I am feeling very nostalgic about it all. Our first born and all that. Where did the time go?
It is also making me think alot about the whole gender thing and our perceptions and attitudes about boys and girls, men and women.
The day after Adam was born, as I lay in a loss of blood stupor, the new mom next door popped her head in to say hi.
"What did you have?" she asked. The look of pure envy that washed over her face when I said a boy was quite shocking to me.
She had a lovely little girl. I can only assume (in my ignorance) that due to her cultural background (she was Asian) that she had lost some sort of Mommy prize by having a girl.
I will also note that in most parts the Lower Mainland of BC, Vancouver in particular, due to cultural issues, you will not be told the gender of your unborn child.
I will also admit to feeling a twinge of negativity when I was told I had a boy. Mainly because despite being an only child, I had grown up surrounded by all male cousins and was frankly looking for a change from boy bits!
Cultural issues aside, there seems to be a lot preconceptions and stereotyping about boys that fill moms to be with trepidation about being the parent of one.
At least this is the impression I get from the gazillion baby forums I have graced throughout my parenting years. Not to mention the looks of sheer delight I get from people when I say I am currently expecting a girl.
Comments concerning their fears have been from the sublime to the ridiculous. Women wanting girls because they are looking forward to the wardrobe 'fun' of their little live dolls.
Filling their homes with pink and dolly's and Barbies...OH MY!
Granted the colour choices for boys can get a bit depressing when shopping for them. We always managed to find fun stuff in bright colours. It has only gotten harder now that he is older..because older boys seem to only be allowed to wear blue, black and white.
But do these women not realize that they are not birthing a doll..they are birthing a live human being, with strong opinions of their own about what they want to be or look like.
I recall reading posts about women worrying about not having a relationship with their sons. Well, that really is entirely up to you is it not?
Having a boy does not automatically mean a life full of sports, cars and monosyllabic grunts....well not yet for us anyway.
We are not into sports and so neither is our son.
My son is also probably closer to me than my daughter. Personality wise for sure.
On a larger scope, boys seem to just get a bad rap. Feminists have been telling us to make sure we raise strong independent daughters. We are told to raise our girls to stand up for themselves, to be strong, to believe in themselves.
Schools have totally shifted their focus to make sure that the girls get excited about previously male dominated areas such as math and science.
Whether THAT is working or not is a whole other post.
The schools have left the boys in the dust.
Rarely do we see messages about us modern women making sure we raise modern feminist sons.
It sometimes feels that the boys have been left back in 1950's suburbia as far as our attitudes towards them.
In a world where 'oral sex' is not counted as 'real' sex. What are we doing?????
What ARE we teaching our kids?
Can we raise kids without the influence of the stereotypes that WE grew up with.
Barry MacDonald is a renowned lecturer in raising and educating boys "To Become Caring, Courageous and Ethical Men."
I went to hear him speak about his 'Boy Smarts' book and the main message was to NOT pigeonhole boys. To understand that while biology and neurology do affect how boys 'work,' that you can't judge or compare one boy to another.
And you cannot judge them negatively compared to girls.
He seems to have the same views as I do about our society's attitude towards men.
Boys are just as emotional and sensitive as girls. Mine is anyway..probably more.
However, sharing and showing emotion tends to be shunned in males.
Men don't get together and talk about how they are feeling.
Men are 'supposed' to internalize everything.
How awful.
No wonder boys that are having a hard time with school or friends, just shut down and give up.
All these mixed messages about how they are supposed to deal with things that may be hurting them deeply.
No avenue to release pent up frustrations or sadness.
All because that is how 'it is supposed to be?'
I don't want my sons empathy to be quashed. I don't want his sensitivity to be smashed to bits by a world that tells him to suck it up.
I want him to be surrounded by peers that feel the same.
I want him to grow up in a world where everyone's feelings are respected and honoured..no matter the gender.
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Original Canada Moms Blog post, Kerry also writes at Crunchy Carpets.
