No cat-dogs, no green toilet flower arrangements, and no celebrities on Twitter.
You know how Quebec reserves the right to stop you from naming your kid something really stupid/cruel, like Lucifer, Spatula, or a French word that means "whore"?
Well, recently Gwyneth Paltrow, getting into the spirit of dictatorship, is considering a rule that all members of her $4500-sign-up-fee gym need to adhere to a dress code so that her gym will be a pleasurable visual experience as well as a pleasurable(?) physical experience. [Source was offline, couldn't find online source.]
Personally, I think this makes perfect sense.
While American Libertarians would choke to death on indignation over this, I believe in even greater suppression of free will for the betterment of... well, my life. Why stop at baby names? A name is relatively harmless, proved by Stephen Dubner and Steven Levitt in Freakonomics. Also, it certainly doesn't affect me much if your name is Spatula. Why stop at dress codes? Dress codes should be the starting point.
What bugs me are people who gesture for me to turn left at a four-way stop, when they are making the same turn, only as a right-hand turn. I want to scream out, "Guess what? We'll both start going at the same time and you'll STILL beat me around the corner and then NEITHER of us has to wait or play the go-no-you-go-no-YOU-go game." I believe there should be a $1000 fine for this. POLITENESS CAN GO TOO FAR.
I also think I should have the right to remove the eyesore that is three kelly-green, spray-painted toilets with yellow plastic flowers growing out of them, sitting in a driveway. I have to drive by them everyday after picking up my daughter from kindergarten because that house is right across from her school. Obviously, there are two problems here: 1. The safety of my driving is impeded by me having my eyes closed so I won't have to look at the big fat, green toilets. 2. Think of the children! Think of the impact being made upon their developing sensibilities. Child abuse: $5000 fine.
In the same category as the former offense: Leaving Christmas decorations up until May. I'm not talking lights. I'm a reasonable person, obviously, and I know that some people might be a bit elderly or unfit and the risk to their well-being is not worth getting up on a tall ladder. You want to keep lights on your house and just not turn them on until November? Fine. Whatever. But snowmen and deer and SANTAS on your lawn in April? Unforgivable! $10,000 fine. Are you crazy? You're confusing the precipitation. It's like birds migrating: they wait for the cold to stick around for a bit to know that it's time to go pick up some swine flu in Mexico. If you leave out winter-themed lawn decorations, IT'S GOING TO SNOW. There's much anecdotal evidence to support this.
No cat-dogs should be allowed within city limits. Either commit to a real dog, or get a cat and keep it at home. When people walk their cat-dogs where I walk my real dog, my dog goes ballistic thinking that lunch just walked by and then the cat-dogs start yip-yip-yipping and it shortens the life span of my ear drums by at least a few days. Ouch. And if you are my neighbor and you're reading this, NO we will not agree to putting up a [choke] chain-link fence between our yards. Aside from the lack of privacy and the ugly factor, your cat-dog yips over the mere sight of my dog (who's quietly wondering if Lunch is unsafe to eat because of its apparent mental disability) and do you know how much self-control it takes for me to not yell at your dog to shuuuu-uut up? Seeing as your dog is the one who can't stay quiet, I'm aghast that you suggest a chain-link fence. Cat-dog ownership? $500 fine.
I'm not overly fond of celebrities joining Twitter. Go away celebrities. It's not like you actually want to interact with us. You just want another venue for your celebrity. Twitter was OURS and it was a secret and we liked it that way. For you? $2,000,000 fine. Payable to me.
People who own trucks when they don't really need one boggle my mind. Trucks expend more gas than other vehicles and they are more tricky to drive and park. My daughter was almost killed when a truck driver couldn't see us as she was backing up because her truck was on steroids. And when someone is taking two parking spaces instead of one in a lot, it's nearly always... a truck. From my own informal study, 1 out of every 4 Albertans own a truck. Ridiculous. They're terrible on the environment and they're butt ugly. Oh my eyes. $30,000 fine.
Teens should not have cellphones. Or be allowed on the internet unchaperoned. All that cyber-bullying and brain-deadening, proper English skills-killing activity... not good. And how am I supposed to say no to my kids when they want a cell phone when everyone else's kid has a cell phone? I'll have to listen to all that whining and my kids will think I'm the worst mom ever.... Grab some ovaries, moms. Say no to cell phones. Besides, they cause brain cancer. Proven fact. For all teens with cell phones, $4670.73 fine. We need to test their ability to make change so we know they're getting at least some education.
And lastly, people who don't understand that their white, aluminum garage doors are only PRIMED, drive me crazy. They are meant to be painted. If your house is brown and your stone is charcoal and your trim is navy-- first of all, you should not have done that [Neighbor Across From Me]. But at least paint your garage doors. The only time it's acceptable to leave the doors white is when your trim or house is also white. If your trim is cream-coloured, like mine, then paint the door cream, like I'm about to. All these unfinished doors and garage doors in my neighborhood-- it's lowering my house value. And in "these hard, economic times", I'm fining you $7000 for that. I want to take my family to Hawaii.
